Peoplesmart : Developing Your Interpersonal Intelligence

Check off the "people" activities below that apply to you:

• supervising employees
• parenting children (and one's parents)
• working on a team
• being in a committed relationship
• dealing with your boss
• participating in religious or community groups
• helping others understand how to do something
• coping as a consumer
• obtaining business
• interviewing others or being interviewed
• relating to doctors, nurses, and mental health professionals
• selling to a customer
• attending a party
• networking
• interacting with coworkers or classmates
• chatting on the Internet

Chances are you checked several of these items. It used to be said that some of us were in the business of working with people and some of us were in the business of working with facts, figures, and machinery. This distinction was probably never accurate, but its inaccuracy is now beyond dispute: Good people skills are a must for any job, including technical ones. Our lives at home also demand superior people skills as we try to juggle new roles and new living conditions. The people business is no longer the domain of the few. It includes you and everyone you know.

The twenty-first century will feature a rapidly changing and highly interrelated world. You will probably accomplish very little on your own, but with other people you may be able to accomplish a lot. Increasingly, success will depend on being people smart.

Ask the person on the street what it means to be people smart, and you may get an answer such as, "Oh, that’s a person who is really a smooth operator . . . a person who knows how to get others to join his side." A second person might answer, "someone who is personable, friendly, fun to be with." While few people would complain about having those two attributes, they represent a very limited view of what it means to be gifted with people. Being people smart is a multifaceted intelligence, not limited to your political skills or your social graces but including a wide range of interpersonal abilities. Being people smart means that you are good at eight skills:

PeopleSmart Skill 1
Understanding People

How well you understand others has considerable impact on how successful you will be in every arena. People who understand others communicate more effectively, influence what others think and do, and resolve conflicts in a healthy manner. To discover what makes people tick, you must learn to listen actively, empathize, and acknowledge other viewpoints. You need to know how to ask questions that clarify what a person is trying to say. Understanding people means going beyond the words they speak and learning how to interpret the unspoken. You must also know how to read other people’s styles and motives so that you can work with them effectively.

PeopleSmart Skill 2
Expressing Yourself Clearly

Being people smart means knowing how to get your message across. Expressing yourself clearly is important to any relationship, personal or business. When you go on and on to make a point, you don’t get the results you want. You must know how to get to the point when brevity is required, yet provide enough details so that you don’t confuse people. And it’s important to say things so that your words are memorable. You must also sense when the other person can help you be clearer by checking understanding of what you’ve said.

PeopleSmart Skill 3
Asserting Your Needs

In order to be people smart, you’ve got to be your own person. You have to have limits and you have to establish those limits. If you try to be all things to all people, you’ll wind up disappointing them. You also need to be straightforward with your wishes. Hinting at what you need from others only leads to disappointment and frustration. Once that happens, you often become angry at others and lose the calm and confidence you need to be at your best.

PeopleSmart Skill 4
Exchanging Feedback

Being people smart means having the ability to give feedback easily and do it without giving offense. The feedback you provide must be descriptive, concrete, and intended to be helpful. It should also be well timed, nonblaming, and practical. It’s also smart to get in the habit of asking for feedback as well as giving it. If feedback is withheld from you, it’s as though you have blinders on. Without feedback, you’re always left wondering what the other person is thinking about you. To encourage others to respond to your requests for feedback, you must give them time to organize and express their thoughts, and you must listen to what they’re saying with an open mind.

PeopleSmart Skill 5
Influencing Others

The people smart person is able to motivate others to action. To be in a more commanding position to influence others, you must become the kind of person who is able to connect with others, unearth their needs, and link them in an effective way to what you have to offer to them. You must also know how to reduce resistance to change and how to make persuasive appeals.

PeopleSmart Skill 6
Resolving Conflict

The previous five skills become especially valuable when the situa-tion is taking place in a tense arena. When emotions are running high, all the previous skills must come to the fore and some new skills come into play as well. Interpersonally brilliant people are exceptional conflict resolvers. The key to a person’s ability to be a conflict resolver is to know how to get the subject right out on the surface. That’s hard if you’re scared or anxious. The other person may also be scared or anxious, and maybe even explosive. Besides getting the problem on the table, you must figure out what’s bothering you and what’s bothering the other person and be able to suggest creative solutions.

PeopleSmart Skill 7
Being a Team Player

A person's ability to be interpersonally intelligent is really challenged when it comes to teamwork. All of us are involved in some kind of teamwork, whether at work, with another parent, in a neighborhood group, or in a service organization. Being a part of a team is challenging because you have less personal control over the outcome than you might have in a one-to-one relationship. It’s often frustrating since you have fewer opportunities to get your point across and persuade others. Working in a team takes special skills, such as complementing the styles of the others, coordinating the efforts of team members without bossing them around, and building consensus.

PeopleSmart Skill 8
Shifting Gears

Finally, people who are interpersonally adept are flexible and resilient; they understand that there are different strokes for different folks. One of the ways you can get a stuck relationship to change is to change the way you act in it. People who are successful in improving relationships are people who can get out of ruts and habits, even if they are helpful in some situations, and do things that are new and different. That’s risky, so it’s important to know how to avoid sticking your neck out too far.

These eight ways to be people smart give you the tools you'll need to establish and maintain strong relationships with everyone with whom you come into contact—from the perfect stranger to your most intimate partner. You will discover that these eight aspects of interpersonal intelligence fit together almost like a child’s building blocks, each one offering a firm foundation for the next. Developing skill in one area also brings benefits in other areas. You’ll come to think of these integrated abilities as keys for repairing and developing relationships that haven’t always reached the levels you would like.

As you develop these skills, you will discover that many benefits follow:

When you understand someone else, you are appreciated. We like people who take time to understand what we think and feel. Being listened to and understood makes people feel more important and reassured.

When you explain yourself clearly, you are understood. If you can make your point clearly the first time, there may be less confusion to sort out later. This could help things go more smoothly at work, decrease misunderstandings at home, and save you time and energy.

When you assert yourself, you are respected. People respect individuals who are forthright. When you are straightforward, other people will admire your courage and personal strength. Your quiet firmness also goes a long way toward influencing others to honor your needs.

When you exchange feedback, you are enlightened. When you seek feedback, you discover the impact of your behavior on others. When you give feedback to others, you learn whether your views are on target. In the exchange, your relationships with others become fuller and more meaningful.

When you influence others positively, you are valued. Lots of people give advice, but people will welcome your advice only if you do it in a constructive manner. Your counsel will be sought because it is sincere, compelling, and helpful.

When you resolve conflict effectively, you are trusted. If you are soft on people and tough on issues, you don’t bruise egos or make enemies. That inspires others to negotiate fairly.

When you collaborate with teammates, you are prized. People with good team skills are the employees most employers covet. You will be given more responsibility and greater rewards if you are a team player.

When you shift gears, your relationships are renewed. That’s because a change in your behavior is often the catalyst for a change in the other person’s behavior. You create the opportunity for problem relationships to be mended.

In short, you will find that it is smart to become people smart. What will it take to become more people smart? Let’s findout. . . .

--From Peoplesmart : Developing Your Interpersonal Intelligence, by Mel, Ph.D Silberman, et al. © June 2000 Mel Silberman, et al used by permission.