10 Habits of a Peacemaker

LAW professor Steven Collis is no stranger to polarized arguments. He specializes in the First Amendment. But he has found a way to have constructive discussions without them devolving into shouting matches or accusations.

In Habits of a Peacemaker, he provides practical habits and skills to talk about hard topics in a productive way. These habits are more than tactics. They are a way to approach life and see other people.

HABIT ONE: Intellectual Humility and Reframing

Collis begins where all relationship (leadership) discussions should begin—humility. He states, “Most of us need to recognize that, most of the time, we don’t know what we’re talking about. That may seem offensive, but the sooner we recognize it, the sooner we can open our minds to open our minds to peacemaking and close the door on the kind of contentious behavior that damages relationships.” This is the foundation of all that follows.

Judging others creates discord. We should know, too, that when we judge others, we don’t have all of the facts or context. We should take it slow.

Conversations must be framed in such a way as to acknowledge the fact that we don’t have all of the information, and the interaction is really about seeking more information and not proving a point. “If someone else brings up the topic in a way that will inevitably lead to fighting, you can move to reframe the issue.”

HABIT TWO: Seek Real Learning

Building on Habit One, we need to learn from both those around us and from those who have come before us. It means that “we cannot be in a state of constant conflict with either group.”

We are all subject to misinformation (really!). We get caught up in catchphrases that circumvent critical thinking. They are often misleading and imprecise, lacking in the intended meaning and nuances. We think we know what they mean by them, but most likely don’t. “It’s entirely probable that both you and the person invoking them place different meanings on them. It’s entirely probable the person invoking them knows exactly what the catchphrase means and has thought long and hard about that meaning. But it’s also likely that a person repeating the catchphrase isn’t sure they know what they mean by it.” Most catchphrases we hear have become an “unsophisticated argument for a sophisticated problem.”

We need to diversify our sources of information. Understand the biases coming out of the sources you agree with and those you don’t. It will improve your understanding and knowledge and strengthen your position. And importantly, “Part of seeking real learning is recognizing that whatever conclusion we have reached may be proven wrong as we learn more than we know now.”

HABIT THREE: Assume the Best about People

Assuming positive intent is assuming the best about people and their intentions. Ask questions. By asking questions, we can better understand others and help them to understand their own views. “In all your inquiries, it’s important to remember why you’re asking questions. Remember: you are not trying to prove a point. You are trying to understand them better so that the two of you can seek ideas and solutions that will speak to both of you.”

People act on what they know and understand, which may be very little. “What they have learned about humans is that we tend to reach conclusions based on our gut reactions to any given set of facts, then reason backward to justify conclusions.”

We all have insecurities, and we are all subject to confirmation bias. We often project onto other people what we think about them, instead of discovering what they actually think. When we’re dealing with someone who we think is assuming the worst about us, our first step should be to ensure we aren’t just heaping upon them our own insecurities.

HABIT FOUR: Don’t Feed People’s Worst Fears

Kindness goes a long way and has more constructive powers than sarcasm and anger. Controlling our own emotions is key but not always easy, especially on certain topics that have a powerful hold on us. “The challenge, then, is not to change who you are. It is to reach a point where the topics no longer affect you as much.”

Peacemakers are slow to state strong opinions. Listen more than you speak.

HABIT FIVE: Hunt for the Best Argument Against You

I love this point. Those who disagree with you generally have strong arguments for their position, but by seeking those arguments out “it will force you to better understand, articulate, and defend your own opinions. It may even cause you to—gasp—change your mind.”

Peacemakers are not afraid of arguments or facts that challenge their worldview. They seek them out. They analyze them. If arguments or facts make them uncomfortable, they seek to understand why.

Seek to learn where you might be wrong.

HABIT SIX: Be Open to Change

All of these habits come to nothing if you are not willing to consider the need to change your views. “With intellectual humility comes the recognition that there may be more to learn about any topic and that as we learn, our positions may change. Peacemakers do not fear that.”

HABIT SEVEN: Spend Time with People

The author confesses that he struggles with implementing this on a consistent basis because, as a law professor, he enjoys thinking about some of the hardest topics—constitutional law—of the day. The advice is simple: “Spend time with people doing uplifting things and talking about topics other than the hardest issues of the day.”

Considering the delegates that drafted the Constitution of the United States, he observes: “In an environment where hostility could have easily prevented anyone from getting along, the delegates worked well with each other because they were forced to spend time together outside the debating framework. In short, they became friends. It’s hard to hate or discount the people you know well.”

We are all on a journey. Key lesson:

When we spend time with others and truly get to know them and the circumstances that led them to behave as they do, we tend to be less judgmental of them and more understanding of who they are and why they make the decisions they do.

HABIT EIGHT: A Sliver of Humor

Humor disarms your listeners. Not everyone finds everything funny. There are different types of humor. Collis lists five. It is important to figure out what kind of humor your audience prefers.

Read the room. “While humor can be an effective tool, you must know when it is appropriate. Humor is like social media; use it deliberately, at least in the context of discussions about hard topics.”

HABIT NINE: Seek Inner Peace

“Peacemakers take the time in their lives to engage in habits that cultivate inner peace, which then permeates outward into the rest of their lives.” You can achieve this through practices like mindfulness, prayer, journaling, and reading. Schedule time to engage in any or a combination of these practices.

HABIT TEN: Embrace the Discomfort of Non-Closure

Human beings do not like to leave things open-ended. We lean into black-and-white thinking. This kind of thinking can lead us down the wrong path and into toxic discussions. Get comfortable in the gray areas and savoring differences.

Obtaining education is not the same as obtaining degrees. True education, not mere degrees, seems to be able to soften our tendency toward dichotomous thinking. It allows us to bask in new information and in new discovery.

That said, there are things we can be certain about. But keep in mind, “The decided are always gentle.” That means “there is a calmness and tranquility that comes to us once we have already made up our minds on a particular issue. We need not revisit it again and again every time we face it.”

A life rule to follow: “Resolve to behave toward other people with a selfless desire to lift them up regardless of the consequences or who they are.” We can all strive to make other people’s lives better and brighter.

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Posted by Michael McKinney at 12:02 PM
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